How A Modern Approach Changes Everything For Parents
Parenting is where the ‘nature vs nurture’ debate reaches its zenith
Why should parents change?
“Doc, I’ve read everything there is on parenting and yet can’t handle my toddler!” Replace ‘toddler’ with adolescent, and you’ll have the same statement ring true!
While biology hasn’t changed too much, nurture is in a dynamic flux. It is as much about the parent- the caregiver, as about the child. And parenting plays out in this gap.
With rapid changes in culture, increased mobility and frenetic pace of new technologies and media, the generation gap has widened as never before. Inspite of greater commitment and involvement, parents find it increasingly difficult to deal with their children today than ever before.
Parents who see their role as providing their child with a healthy body, a contemporary education and a substantial bank balance find that these do not assure success. Even before attempting to solve this puzzle, one must understand the outcome – what is the ultimate aim of parenting? Perhaps, it is to leave behind a person who can cope and manage with life happily after you are gone; and yet finding joy, fulfilment and self-growth on the way. Far too many parents make their child’s life too difficult later on by making it too easy while they are around.
Parents who understand that nurturing is a two forever dynamic way process, those who are better attuned to observe and understand their child are far better placed to modify their responses. They can nurture their child towards values like positive attitudes, resilience, care and collaboration with others and exhibiting humor and humility in life. This is encapsulated in an acronym we came up during the Covid years – ARCH.
This straightaway sets up the context of a partnership rather than a patronising or authoritarian relationship. Thus, nurturing is now seen as a holistic co-development based on mutual respect, understanding, accommodation and participation. This boils down to parents being coached and learning practical strategies for better outcomes.
How can parents change?
Parents can be helped to learn the art of meaningful conversations using empathy and validation where acknowledging children’s emotions and challenges are the key. Children are far more welcoming when parents focus on their strengths rather than nagging them about their shortfalls. Dr Tim Elmore, an American author, insists, “When in debate, start by acknowledging where both generations agree.”
Children and adoelscents can’t really master long-term thinking; hence, keeping your communication clear and simple, and not rattling off too many observations or expectations help. Finally, adolescents feel respected when we interact with open-ended questions
encouraging them to share their observations, worries, and aspirations rather than being directive all the time.
Accepting that today’s children are not really your children as much as a product of contemporary culture, morality and technology (Khalil Gibran replugged) will help immensely. Nestling your nurturing and finding comfort in newer challenges and adding adaptation to your style and beliefs are the keys to happy parenting.
Finally, never forget what they tell you in an aircraft - “before helping others, always fasten your own oxygen mask”. Parenting is no less demanding than professional sport! Look after yourself- physically and emotionally. Don’t discount other significant stakeholders in your life- your spouse, your friends, your own parents, your hobbies, your job. Sustaining a happy, vibrant community around us is our own nurturing nest.
