When we are hurt by someone emotionally or physically, our instinctive reaction is to harbour the anger and resentment. What most of us fail to realise is that this anger, pain and resentment does not hurt anyone except “us”, the person who is holding onto it.
It festers in the recesses of our mind and more often than not ends up manifesting in some sort of ailment or the other.
Our immune system becomes compromised in response to negative emotions. Releasing those emotions creates an equilibrium.
The only antidote to this resentment is forgiveness and compassion towards ourselves and to the offender.
Reasons to forgive
When the pain of holding on to the wrongdoing in the past continues to follow you into the future, you have a choice. Be bitter or let it go. There are many reasons to forgive.
- Forgiving frees us to live in the present. When we keep replaying and rehashing the wrongdoing, it keeps us living in the past. We miss out on the gift of today.
- Taking the higher ground and letting go can help us avoid bitterness and resentment and often will salvage a relationship.
- When we are angry the reins of our lives are in someone else's hands. Forgiveness lets us regain our personal power. Our anger, regret, hatred, or resentment towards someone means that we are giving up our power to that person. Until then the person will still have an unhealthy hold on you.
- Forgiveness allows you to see the person beyond that act of wrongdoing. All those positive qualities in the person, ones that you loved once. It gives you the chance to see the person fully.
- Doing so can help us avoid bitterness and resentment and often will salvage a relationship.
The How of Forgiveness?
If you are in a current relationship that you want to heal and continue, a serious and loving discussion is in order.
- Take your time to wrap your head around what you are feeling. Process your anger and hurt.
- Explicitly state how you feel. Tell him or her how you feel (use “I” statements). “I feel hurt/ betrayed/ afraid/ anxious/ etc.”
- Clearly frame questions for which you seek answers. This is a moment for full disclosure –yours and others. You have a right to know whatever it is you want to know.
- When we get over-involved and forget to set boundaries we often allow for transgressions. When you decide to forgive someone ensure that once you have expressed how you feel, you set sufficiently safe new boundaries.
- Explain that you are choosing to forgive. And mean it.
In the event that you were hurt in a past relationship then your process will be an internal one and not involve any exchanges with the other person.
- Write your feelings down. Nothing better than expressing yourself on paper. More often than not stark truths begin to emerge when you pour your heart out into black and white.
- If the grief that you are suffering from as a result of your engagement plagues you gravely enough to affect your daily functioning, seek help. A counsellor or therapist can aid in adding a neutral perspective and give you closure.
- As difficult as it sounds, attempt putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. Try to understand why he or she harmed you and your relationship is very important. (Understanding does not mean condoning, but is a step to forgiving.)
- Acknowledge and forgive yourself for your contribution to what happened.
Extend the courtesy of an opportunity of justification to the person who hurt you to the extent that you would wish for yourself.
When you forgive others and always try to make things right other people will see that and they will remember. They will forgive you for your past mistakes and they will be honest and open with you.
Everyone deserves a chance.
