There is a well documented method for building optimism that consists of recognising and then disputing pessimistic thoughts. Everyone already has the skills of disputing, and we use them when an external person - a rival for our job, or our lover - accuses us falsely of some dereliction. "You don't deserve to be a Vice President for personal. You are inconsiderate, selfish, and the people who work for you cannot stand you" Your rival accuses. In reply you trot out all the reasons she is wrong: the high ratings staff give you last year, and the skill you showed in turning around the three most difficult employees in the marketing department. When, however we say the same accusing things to ourselves, we usually fail to dispute them - even though they are often false.
The key to disputing your own pessimistic thoughts is to first recognise them and then to treat them as if they were uttered by an external person, a rival whose mission in life was to make you miserable.
Here is a short course in how to do this. Once you recognise that you have a pessimistic thought that seems unwarranted, argue against it using the ABCDE model. A stand for Adversity, B for the Beliefs you automatically have when it occurs, C for the usual consequences of the belief, D for your disputation of your routine belief, and E for the Energisation that occurs when you dispute it successfully. By effectively disputing the beliefs and follow an adversity, you can change your reaction from dejection and giving up to activity and good cheer.
Adversity : My husband and I went out for our first dinner alone since the baby was born, and we spent the evening bickering over everything from whether the waiters accent was real to whether the shape of our son's head is more like that of relations of my side of the family or my husband's.
Belief : What is wrong with us. Here we are suppose to be enjoying a romantic dinner and instead we are wasting our one night out fighting over the most stupid things. An article I read said that lots of marriages end after the birth of the first child. Looks like we are heading in that direction. How am I going to raise my son all by myself?
Consequences: I felt deep sadness and disappointment. And i also had a panicky feeling. I could barely eat my dinner; I just pushed it around my plate. My husband was clearly trying to shift the mood, but I could hardly look at him.
Disputation: May be I am being a bit unrealistic. It is hard to feel romantic when you have not had three consecutive hours of sleep in the last seven weeks, and you are worried that your dress are going to leak. Yeah, that is romantic! and come on, one bad dinner does not mean divorce. We have been through much tougher times than this and we came out feeling even better about our relationship. I think I have just got to stop reading those stupid magazines. I cannot believe I am sitting here planning out the visitation schedule just because my husband thinks that my Son's head looks more like his great Uncle than my aunt. I think I just need to relax a bit and view this as a good first try at romance. The next dinner will go better.
Energisation: I started to feel better and more focussed on my husband. I even told him my concern about my dress, and we had a good laugh thinking about how the waiter would respond. We decided to view this as a practice dinner and that we would go out again next week and try again. Once we talked about it, we both seem to have more fun and feel more connected.
