Let me begin with this beautiful quote of Paul Boese
" Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future". Had someone ever pushed in front of you- on purpose or inadvertently- when you were in a sue at the cinema or supermarket? Did a friend once spill rend wine on your sofa? Did you ever get your local shop and discover it had sold out of newspaper or mil?
Ddi you manage to forgive and forget? Most probably!
Of course, minor offences such as someone pushing in front of you , knocking a glass of wine over or the shop selling out of milk are easy to forgive and forget. But what if you are faced with more serious issues? What if your part;new has had an affair, you have been unfairly sacked or your have received an injury as a result of someone else's action? It can be a real struggle to accept what happened and forgive the other person or people involved.
Forgiveness means letting go of the resentment, frustration or anger that you feel as a result of someone else's actions. It involves no longer wanting punishment, revenge or compensation.
If you have reached a point where you do want to put it all behind you and move on with your life, then mindfulness can help by going through the following three stages:
- Be aware of how and what you feel.
Start by being aware of how and what you feel. Angry, upset, disappointed? Jealous or resentful? All of the above? That's OK. Give yourself permission to feel the emotions and process them. The less you resist what is happening within you emotionally, the more opportunity you have to be mindful about the situation.
See if you can tease apart the difference between your feelings about what happened and your feeling for the person who did you wrong.
May be you are angry and upset about what happened. Perhaps you even feel you could have done something to prevent what happened.
You may find it difficult to forgive the other person because you are suffering and so you want the other person suffer too; to be punished. You refuse to forgive them because you fear it will make you vulnerable again. You want to protect yourself and take control.
Be aware though, that not forgiving someone will not ensure you won't by hurt again and forcing someone won't mean that you will be.
2. Allow yourself to let go. It might help if you understand that all the time you don't forgive you are tied to the other person or event. Forgiveness allows you to free yourself from the other person or event. Forgiveness allows you to free yourself from the other person, the event and all associated suffering. When you let go of your need to punish the other person you can more forward.
" Letting go is the natural release which always follow the realisation that holding on is an energy drain and it hurts" says Larry James. Forgiving doesn't mean giving in. If the other person has not the apologised or has apologised only to repeat the offence nothing required you to trust him or her. While there's no point in tormenting yourself over this person's actions, you do not need to fall victim to their actions again.
3. Accept what has happened . Know that forgiveness flows from acceptance, You cannot change what has already happened. It is what it is. But how many times a day do you think about this hurt? How many times have you told the story about how badly you were wronged> Know that every time you think about it or tell the story to other people you are back in the past.
Holding on to your resentment keeps you in the past; a place where you have no influence. When you can accept that what has happened, happened in the past, then you are on the road to forgiveness.
