The (In)Ability To Receive A Compliment
“Who doesn’t like a compliment?” is, for many, more of a rhetorical question rather than a topic worthy of a more profound understanding or even a much-needed introspection. Usually considered something that should positively affect creating or maintaining interpersonal relationships, compliments are even referred to as ‘social lubricants’ by some authors. However, compliments can have the opposite effect and evoke feelings of discomfort or certain pre-existing self-doubts in some people. Therefore, compliments are often not given as much importance as they perhaps deserve due to their complexity.
From the cross-cultural psychology aspect, identifying differences in social values, politeness strategies, especially across different genders and age groups, and other beliefs about constituents of self-image between different cultures would be some of the elements considered while complimenting someone. Along with this cultural aspect, the concept of flattery needs a different approach due to its complexity and potential contrast between the real and fake. Therefore, these two deserve to be separate topics.
What we are going to look at is receiving genuinely expressed positive regard or compliments, without any ulterior motives, either from a stranger or someone we know and even love, yet struggling to entirely accept the kind words or what is referred to in psychology as ‘positive affect’. Research shows that such genuine compliments have numerous positive effects, from building and feeding healthy relationships and improving communication to boosting one’s self-esteem, self-confidence, and motivation and feeling happy, pleased, uplifted, and flattered. Furthermore, a recent study even shows that the same part of our brain gets activated by receiving compliments, as does by receiving money, motivating people to work even better. Yet, why is everyone not so positively affected by the compliments offered to them? What can be psychological reasons behind feeling uncomfortable receiving a compliment or having difficulty accepting someone’s kind words?
Since the ability to accept compliments starts with the ability to see and accept the good in ourselves, for some, low self-esteem or unhealed painful past relationships and trauma(s) can sabotage their ability as a receiver.
Low self-esteem, be it in general or in some area of life, could be one reason for certain individuals not believing in or doubting their own worth or value and, therefore, being unable to perceive and accept positive regard offered to them since such positive information conflicts with or is too discrepant from their negative or relatively unfavourable self-theory (s). Some could consciously recognise a negative view of themselves, and their inner critic’s voice heard as, “I don’t see myself as smart, good looking or in any other way deserving of the compliment”. However, sometimes, it could be a subconscious manifestation of something they don’t even realise about themselves. Limiting beliefs that people hold about themselves, be they conscious or unconscious, can cause what is known as cognitive dissonance when they are in contrast or not aligned with the compliment. So, when somebody compliments their looks or a job well done at work and, subconsciously, they don’t believe in that, they might experience a feeling of uneasiness since the statement either goes completely against and challenges their core belief about themselves or they do not feel good enough or competent enough to accept the kind words fully.
On the other hand, the experience of abuse, neglect, or trauma, especially during childhood, could not only leave deep doubts related to one’s self-worth but also be accompanied by feelings of shame and/or guilt. A harsh inner critic is often born from the internalised despair and distress of the child who might even believe s/he deserves abuse, neglect, or any other kind of mistreatment. For such trauma survivors, receiving a compliment could be deeply triggering, igniting anxiety and fear as their trauma antennas could be trying to identify certain hidden motives that would lead to further mistreatment.
How can people learn to accept compliments and allow them to nourish them?
In general, with a compassionate approach to the problem and careful work, either by themselves, if possible, or by being assisted and guided by the therapist, learning to hear and respond to compliments positively is achievable by everyone.
By humbly accepting a compliment, we show our gratitude for the kind remarks offered to us. When someone takes time to compliment us or to recognise us, and we know that we have put a lot of effort into how we look or the way we have just completed the project at work, then we might practice showing gratitude and responding to their kindness by neutrally saying, “Thank you, I really appreciate the compliment.” Acknowledgement neither means that we are bragging about it, nor it necessarily means that we are entirely agreeing with them since we still might be working on that aspect of ourselves.
Secondly, building confidence and self-esteem can be worked on by addressing limiting beliefs and negative self-theories, which can often be difficult to disprove or alter since they are maintained through biased information processing. If the information in the compliment does not jibe with someone’s maintained negative self-views and self-theory, or they worry about not being able to meet the behavioural norms and standards that compliment(s) could communicate, the safest and easiest way for them to resolve such concerns would be to discount the compliments. However, the true potential solution would be to override the discounting process and heal that negative self-theory based on the past experience(s).
Lastly, acknowledging and understanding the importance of our inner critic is the beginning of the healing process. The inner critic is a part of ourselves that seeks our attention, focusing it on often neglected or suppressed parts of our past, which contain our unwanted feelings of shame, neglect, despair, self-hate, unfulfilled desires, different deep wounds, and even traumas. While certain progress towards transforming that harsh inner critic into a more gentle, valuable collaborator and assistant in the process of healing can be achieved individually to some extent, it is advisable to seek help from a trained professional in addressing the reasons why someone is unable to take in the compliment or finds it painful. Building a non-judgemental relationship with a therapist where a person feels safe, heard, and accepted for who they are allows the journey of healing to commence. Eventually, this healing journey would lead a person towards feeling safe, loving, compassionate, and accepting of their own worth and core self.
Deep down, don’t we all want to be loved, recognised, and understood, able to enjoy and share who we are, knowing that we matter in some way or another? Compliments nourish healthy relationships, deepen a loving bond among people, and help us feel more connected to the world around us. Being fully present to how we feel as the receivers of compliments whilst understanding the diversity in responses in other people is when we live consciously and can address everything that is casting any shadow on the light of our divine existence.
About the Author -
Danijela Radonic Bhandari (Dana) is an Integrative Wellbeing Counsellor & Founder at DanaVeda
